What is friendship? What makes a friend? And how do you measure who’s worthy of it? Our definitions are bound to vary. We all have different morals and priorities. But whether you crave quality time, acts of service or one of the other many love languages it’s clear that an integral part of friendship is showing up. 

But what happens when showing up feels impossible? When you make plans but struggle to stick to them. When it’s day 17 of telling yourself you’ll call up sis but your phone feels heavier in your hand today than it did the day before. When sending TikTok videos is easier than explaining why you’ve been absent. 

For a long time, I was under the impression that making and maintaining friendships was hard for everyone. That forging true connections wasn’t something that happened easily. But according to social media, me and others like me, are to be feared. 

From desirability politics to ableism, there are many reasons a person can struggle with friendship. For Black women especially, the expectations of the type of person we must be in order to access friendship can be extremely limiting.

‘Alt’ Black women - as in the brave goth/emo/punk babes who offer a literal alternative to the expected face or tastes of blackness - are often socially outcast on account of their ‘white people behaviour’.