My friends and family will say, “You don’t joke with your prayers” whenever I am with them. Years ago, this would serve as an encouragement for me to keep going because really, I never joked with my five daily prayers. I didn’t do it for an audience, I did it because it was an obligation to my faith and what I believe in.

In recent years, statements like that make me feel guilty. I feel guilt because I am now performing to keep up with the standards I once set. But the truth is, I am no longer that person.

I have just finished the first joint of the day, and already the guilt is sitting heavy in my chest. I wish I could say that was enough to make me stop, but it never is. Guilt has played a huge part in why my mental health is in shambles. It isn’t just the addiction, it is the guilt that accompanies it. I still have this belief that I am no longer worthy of being seen the way the people in my life see me. No one would ever know and I don’t think I am ready for what it would mean if they did.

Guilt is also why I stopped praying. At some point I stopped feeling worthy of standing and praying when in a few minutes I will be back to smoking again. I just can’t, I feel like a hypocrite.