There is a story I know from my mum. A newly married woman was praised and paraded around as a virgin throughout the wedding party. However, when it came time to consummate the marriage her husband noticed that she was wearing the thickest jeans underneath her wedding dress. No lingerie. No spicy nightgown. But jeans.
This went on for a while whenever they attempted to have sex, and feeling frustrated, he opened up to other people about what was happening. After deep probing, the bride revealed that she was afraid. Not necessarily of the pain that having penetrative sex for the first time could come with, but she was deeply afraid that should she ‘lose her virginity’, she would have no worth and would feel dirty.
Growing up, young girls were often told to stay away from premarital sex because sex would apparently be guilt-free and more pleasurable when done within the marital institution. In my first year of secondary school, I still remember being told to avoid sex prior to marriage as it would lead to feelings of resentment, bitterness, impurity and shame when married.
But the woman from my mum’s story had gone through all the necessary procedures laid down by cultural teachings to be a ‘good woman’ and approach sex in the ‘right way’, and yet she still couldn't enjoy it or absolve herself of any guilt or shame.